Abuse

When you are in it, it doesn’t feel like abuse. It feels confusing, complicated, like maybe you’re misunderstanding it. You think maybe there will be one magical day, one perfect sentence, a joke you’ll crack, the thing you’ll finally do that will change things.

Abuse can exist anywhere. There’s no community, ethnicity or background that’s free of it.

While everyone is dancing, singing and rejoicing, we are dying inside.

Gain a searing insight into the inner battle that rages as one man’s children prepare to celebrate his special day.

There is no cheering. No crowds. No clapping from far down below.

His flames fully engulfed you. He consumed you. Yet here you are. Still around. Still alive. You’re functioning.

Becoming educated about child sexual abuse can help you cope with the trauma. Here are some basics for you to start with.

Often, well-meaning people are not able to understand why many survivors of abuse are not able to “just get over it.” When one understands the mechanisms of the brain and the way it stores and retrieves memories, however, the picture becomes clearer.

If I dared talk on the phone without asking him for permission, he would grab it out of my hand and throw it across the room. I needed to report to him exactly how much I spent and on what. If I bought an extra tomato, he would take away the credit card until I “repented.”

Everyone deserves to be physically, emotionally and spiritually safe at all times. This is not necessarily something we are taught, but it has profound implications for the choices we make in life. It is also the fundamental first principle to internalize for anyone embarking on the process of healing from trauma...

As I searched deep within myself, I realized that although logically I was okay with my life, my heart was in turmoil. There was a part of me that was angry, sad and anguished. My mind believed. My mind had faith. But my heart ached . . .

Yes, you have battle scars, but they are proof of your strength, wisdom and courage...

Although all children are at risk, child molesters particularly seek out shy and naive children; children with disabilities; and children who are experiencing loneliness, emotional neglect or strong feelings of alienation. Children who are not educated about child molesters are the most vulnerable of all...

We're a well-thought-of family—we are considered bright and successful, with good mannered children who are a joy to have in class. But we have a terrible secret...

Something has tormented my soul for many a year. I tried to live by the adage that what happens in the family stays in the family...

When the people I was babysitting for returned and found me, they immediately called the police. But I felt more harassed than helped. Back in the 1960's, it was thought by many that women who were raped probably "asked for it"...

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know who to tell...

I remember feeling a constant sense of rage, always just under the surface of my every waking moment. I did not know where it came from – it was just there. I wanted to be a good mother, the perfect mother...

I couldn't talk about the rape. If I talked about it I would feel it, it would be real. I wanted to pretend like it didn't happen, and if no one knew it was easier to pretend...

You give me support, insight and resources. You give me the courage to keep on trying...

For those whose early years were filled with physical or emotional abuse, neglect or abandonment, love will not feel natural or deserved. For these “hidden children,” as normal as they may seem on the outside, part of them lives in the dark, afraid to emerge...

I stopped crying, took a deep breath and leaned back. "I'm angry G‑d. I'm angry at You. There, I said it." It all came rushing out at once. "I'm angry for these past two years. I'm angry that You weren't there when I needed You the most. I'm angry because I feel like You've forgotten. I'm angry because sometimes it seems like You just don't care and I'm stumbling through this alone. I'm angry because I want to know: what did I do to deserve this?

I walked unsteadily into the battered women's shelter with my baby in my arms...

It is difficult to feel loved, or believe the sentence "I love you" when it's heard from someone who may not be lucid, or will not be lucid in an hour or two...

The violence was initially physical, but being an ex anti-terrorist soldier, he was careful not to let anything show...yet the psychological was far harder, both to deal with and to prove...

Yes, maybe he IS a nice guy, a kind father, or the all-too-familiar attempt at justification “he was abused himself” - but this is not an answer and in no way changes the situation. The facts remain that he is an abuser.

My daughter asks difficult questions about why we divorced and if I hate her father. For now I lie, but it is only a matter of time until she learns the truth about our marriage.

Everything was quiet at last. The night before, the police had taken away my violent husband, who, in an alcoholic rage, had tried to end my life...

Imagine being stuck deep inside a long dark tunnel for many years. You appeal to numerous people on the outside for help but for some reason they are unable to...

To many, these laws appear extreme, over-reactive and unnecessary. A little 1st-grader can't hug her daddy's best friend? Two adult co-workers of the opposite sex can’t work alone in the office to finish an important project?

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I consider myself one of the lucky ones, as my abuser did not live in my home...

About 90 percent of child sexual abuse is committed by someone who has painstakingly built up a relationship of trust with the children, often someone within their community, school or camp.

I have had a difficult relationship with my mother my entire life. While I was never physically abused, I definitely suffered severe emotional abuse. Still today when I am around her I revert to being a hurt child and don't feel I can protect myself. Should I cut off the relationship or somehow pretend to ignore what bothers me?

Keeping the connection is what helped me overcome and recover from a tragic childhood that was filled with misery, pain and constant struggle. Thank you G‑d for helping me overcome this challenge: the dreadful storms of childhood neglect and abandonment...

It is so easy to want to throw out anything that was ever associated with him. To burn it and leave nothing left. But I can’t. You see, so much of who I am is because of him...

There is a part of each of us which is not touched by anything that happens to us. The deepest part of your soul is your essence. No matter whether you were sexually violated, ridiculed, beaten, neglected, abandoned or emotionally abused, the deepest part of you remains pure, holy and healthy. You just need to remember it is there . . .

Children are exquisitely attuned to body language. They see clearly that a parent’s face lights up with love around certain people, and tightens with hostility or anxiety around others. Research has shown that love, or the lack of it, shapes the brain and produces certain chemicals which cause children to want to bond to others, or to fear people and seek distance...

Feel blessed if you are shame-bound rather than shameless! For you, the outlook is positive. Getting rid of excess shame is a like losing weight—it takes awareness and discipline. Go slowly, as this is a difficult “addiction,” probably the mother of all addictions . . .

Clouded by emotional fog, I failed to correlate the references to abused women and myself. But one thing was clear: G-d had sent a messenger to unlock my cage.