Some people associate privacy and modesty with shame; they assume that if anything needs to be kept secret, it’s because there’s something uncomfortable or wrong about it. In Holy Intimacy, authors Sara Morozow and Rivkah Slonim masterfully demonstrate that in a healthy Jewish marriage it’s just the opposite. What goes on in the bedroom is a most holy act—a hint of the Garden of Eden. The secrecy isn’t about shame but reverence.
Holy Intimacy is the first book of its kind in a number of ways. Historically, and still in most places today, what is appropriate and inappropriate in a Jewish bedroom is taught only in private sessions behind closed doors—either between a parent and child, or student and teacher.
Morozow and Slonim, both experienced Chabad educators, realized that in today’s age of online openness, more was needed. Together, they authored a book that not only provides straightforward guidance to a young bride, but that makes available the world of holy intimacy to any Jewish couple interested in elevating their marriage.
The co-authors are close friends and cousins. Sara Morozow is a scholar, educator and counselor who teaches at Beth Rivkah Girls’ School’s Division of Higher Learning in the Crown Heights neighborhood of Brooklyn. With more than two decades of experience mentoring brides, she is considered one of the foremost “kallah (bridal) teachers” in the Chabad community. As program director for Mikvah.org, an international organization that educates Jewish women about the beauty and meaning of Jewish Family Purity and mikvah, she has created a curriculum for the kallah teachers to use with the women they teach.
Rivkah Slonim is the associate director at the Rohr Chabad Center for Jewish Life at Binghamton University in New York, which she co-founded with her husband, Rabbi Aharon Slonim, in 1985. She describes herself as a “Chassidic Feminist,” and is an internationally known lecturer and activist. Slonim is the editor of Total Immersion: A Mikvah Anthology ( Jason Aronson 1996, Urim 2006) and Bread and Fire; Jewish Women Find God in the Everyday ( Urim 2008). Slonim serves on the Editorial Board of the Rohr Jewish Learning Institute and is a senior lecturer at Bais Chanah International. She sits on the executive boards of Tamim Academy as well as the Institute of Jewish Spirituality and Society.
In an introductory note from the authors, Morozow and Slonim point out that the kallah classes of old—in which a young woman simply had to be reassured that marital intimacy is “completely natural”—would never work today. The openness of modern media often leaves nothing to the imagination, and allows just about anyone to declare themselves an expert and dispense advice, whether good or not. In contrast to the seemingly infinite flood of information about the facts of married life from online media, the co-authors bemoan the lack of “accessible instruction that is down to earth but rooted in heaven.”
In the words of the authors:
The contemporary kallah, as well as those young women not quite at that junction but curious and thinking, along with their mothers and grandmothers, should not have to guess, worry or feel anxious. She should never feel deprived of important information. Most significantly, she should not have to scrounge for morsels of the Torah’s truth and beauty; these are her birthright.
Down to Earth but Rooted in Heaven
The authors’ intention to be down to earth but rooted in heaven is immediately seen in the first chapter. In clear and direct language, the meaning of Jewish sexual intimacy is introduced through the story of the first human couple—Adam and Eve—and the new challenge that faced their intimate relationship after the first sin, when they ate from the Tree of Knowledge.
This they refer to as the “Rupture in Gan Eden,” explaining that the story of Adam and Eve’s banishment from Eden allows us “to understand sexual intimacy in its ideal state, its descent from that state, and the emergent possibility of intimacy that surpasses even the initial ideal.”
The following seven chapters seek to light the path towards this ideal state, grounding itself in the source texts of the Torah, but also bringing contemporary examples and scenarios to explain and clarify. Each step of the journey is taught through the spine of the Seven Blessings said under the wedding canopy—each bringing valuable insight to the Jewish marriage. Following the blessing over wine, the authors reflect on the idea and importance of marriage as in the second of the seven blessings.
Blessed are You, Hashem our G‑d, King of the universe, who has created all things for His glory.
At this moment, with chatan and kallah poised at the precipice of building their life together in the presence of a minyan, we are reminded that the gathering is for the purpose of bringing glory to Hashem. More profoundly, the kallah and chatan are told: Your marriage parallels the original six days of creation; the two of you are creating your own new world. This bracha reminds us that everything temporal and physical was created to fulfill the desire of our Creator, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and to bring honor and grandeur to His Name. This is the task of humanity.
They then quickly and unfussily delve into all of the practical elements of marriage, and go all the way to directly addressing popular questions and busting myths of what is and isn’t allowed in the bedroom.
What if I am not in the mood and I can tell my husband wants us to be together, or I am in the mood but he seems out of it?
Sometimes, the answer will still be no; but the way that “no” is delivered can make all the difference. When you say: “Tonight doesn’t work for me, but I would love to take a raincheck for another night,” for instance, it articulates your needs without the sting of rejection. That kind of reply signals the overall value intimacy holds in your life, even if it’s not right at that moment.
But more than addressing the black and white, the co-authors speak about the areas of uncertainty and personal intuition. The reader is given both a new perspective on the innate holiness of intimacy, and the guidelines to grow and explore together with their spouse in a healthy manner that will leave them both feeling not only comfortable but fulfilled. Through the chapters, sexual intimacy becomes a place for the couple to unite in both their hearts and souls. A topic that might be spoken about with guilt is turned over into an elevating and holy experience to be enjoyed.
The down-to-earth becomes even more practical in the book’s later chapters, where the authors address topics such as sexual dysfunction, recognizing abuse, fertility and loss, and getting to know and appreciate one’s body.
Who Should Read Holy Intimacy
While Holy Intimacy is written for the contemporary Jewish bride and assumes basic background knowledge of the Jewish laws of marital intimacy, it is open and accessible to anyone interested in learning about the Jewish secrets of marriage. The book includes a complete glossary of terms to guide the uninitiated, and contains wisdom and advice that can elevate a marriage regardless of religious observance. Even if a reader is simply curious, this book will provide clarity and understanding from an authentic source.
For a young couple intent on following the Jewish laws related to marriage, Holy Intimacy is bound to become a must-read that will lift the heavy weight of hundreds of questions off their shoulders and replace it with not just relief, but excitement and joy.
Morozow and Slonim created a work that readers of all kinds will refer to again and again throughout the many stages of their life, each time finding a new gem that resonates stronger than before.
Holy Intimacy is available for purchase here.
Excellent spiritual guidance…especially for the Generation Z’s and older confused about relationships between men and women. Moral decay has a profound effect not only on Jewish communities—-society at large has been greatly shattered from ignorance on this subject……of intimacy.
Intimacy as described is I feel is a reflection of the Garden of Eden . The Authors have written a important book.